I like to run, I like to exercise, I love soccer. I have been away from soccer for a long time and I can't return. In the past I wanted to be a professional, you know, so I was heading towards a professional life and I quit. At the time I was starting to train, I had anemia, so I couldn't train with the other girls. I had no strength, so I was a second-string. And at that time, I wouldn't be able to be 'a girl', you know. I couldn't play women's football. I couldn't play with the girls, I couldn't at all. I always felt very comfortable with the boys, but not with the girls. I couldn't, I was afraid of hurting someone, I couldn't play with them. Then I quit because I started my transition and then you can't play soccer. So far, I haven't seen any trans guy… And I'm too old now to play soccer. If I were 18 I would obviously want really bad to continue my career. I was going to try anyway, but I'm turning 27 so no way.
It is a very conservative sport, so like they would definitely nag trans guys. They do this already in sports. I was learning about a law involving trans people in the Olympics. Because the treatment for trans women is different from the treatment for trans men in sports. It is more acceptable for a trans guy to enter. Trans women are seen as superior to cis women because of testosterone. Because they think that testosterone is the thing. They use 'biology' to form arguments, as if trans people were not biological. And finally there is all the controversy about trans bodies in sports. In soccer this is a big taboo. Women's football is already a taboo here in Brazil, imagine a trans person in football. There was even a news report of a trans guy who wasn't on HRT. He's from the Brazilian Women's Futsal team and he didn't do the transition, didn't change his name or anything, because he's a professional soccer player, he's already in the Brazilian Women's Futsal team. So his career is that of playing in women's futsal, if he makes the transition he will lose his career.
For trans men it is easier to get into sports because we do not produce testosterone naturally to a high degree. We produce testosterone at a low level and when a trans man gets a hormone, he will have a 'right' T level, the same T level of a cis man. For health reasons, you can't go beyond that. Now for trans women, they naturally produce more testosterone than estrogen and testosterone for cis society seems to make all the difference. It's 'why the man is the man', you know. 'It makes the man'.
So this person is not seen as a woman, because she produces testosterone. For example, there's Tiffany, who was a volleyball player for Sesi Osasco, who is now playing for the Brazilian Volleyball team. She was accepted after all the controversy about wanting to take her out because she played well and on the media they said it was 'because she is a trans woman so she has a lot more strength', but no, you know. It is only out of prejudice and pure prejudice. Simple. The only difference is that she is a trans woman and the others are cis women. It is not a hormonal issue, it is not a question of strength. She has the same levels of hormones as a cis woman. So much so that otherwise it is a matter of doping. So it's pure prejudice. That is why they wanted to use biology, for pure prejudice. And the CIStem will continue. Because the standard is cis, if it escapes from that standard it is a disorder.
The Nazis used to try to prove what they did using biology, you know, some absurdities like that. They tried to use Darwinism to prove that white was superior to the black race. By a distorted reading of Darwin's theories. They read that way and thought it was that. And they use this to argue as defenses to their bestial thoughts, their prejudices. Women couldn't vote in the past, so they also used their prejudices to say 'women can't vote'. This is done with us trans people. It is too much ignorance. It is pure prejudice. You use biology nomenclatures to prove your prejudices. You have the right to express yourself, but you have no right to oppress, to invade and oppress the bodies of other people. To meddle in other people's lives, in how they live.
I decided to do my completion of course work in two parts. First, study the black diaspora and the Brazilian black people. And then the issue of gender and sexuality of these bodies. The black people no longer had the opportunity that white people had, so you bring up the question of class, race, gender. And you see that at each part, each level, each dimension, people are not having the same conditions that other people had. And that resulted in many things. So I wanted to study this. How is the black body seen? How is the trans gay black body seen? Do people want this body? 'I'm going to date this person', you know? Today we know that trans people, especially trans women and many of them black trans women - we have data on how trans women leave home from the age of 13, how they die more, we have this data. But in short, trans women are not wanted, you know. It comes from the cis-culture of 'woman to marry' versus 'woman not to marry'. The black body is not from a woman to marry. The body of black women, the violence they suffer, the loneliness of black women. The black woman is not wanted. A white woman to marry and a black woman to date, have sex and thats it. There are already studies, there is data, this exists.
So a more trans woman who fit in the beauty standard, thin and etc, for example, could, I don't know, be on the cover of Vogue nowadays. Right, whether you like it or not, you have this dimension there, okay, cover of Vogue. But a black trans woman who doesn't have the stereotype of Vogue, who won't look like a cis woman, will never be on the cover of Vogue. Not for the next few years at least. I don't want to compare the pain of trans people, I don't want to put us against us, that's not it. But to say that there are these dimensions that this exists because of the Cistema that we live, that separates us with gender, race and class. This cisgender system. That puts the white man at the top of the power chain. And this is valid for white women and black women. That's why I said that feminism for white women is different from feminism for black women. While white women were claiming work, black women were already working. It was like... 'Wait, we work already, we don't want that, we want to claim that we need to earn more, that we need our work to be valued, we want opportunities just like white women had opportunity to study, we want that too'.
I read some reports that had information about what those people were like and how they behaved - through the travelers' views. So there are reports of women who slept with women, of men who slept with men, of people who were men dressed as women, who were seen as sorcerers and respected in some tribes and had another name. From these reports we can see that black bodies had other behaviours. But we don't know why, since this was stolen, right... What I want to do one day in a doctorate, if I have the opportunity, is to go after these primary sources, to do this research on how black people saw each other, how they saw their own bodies. But not from a foreigner's perspective. Trying to introduce myself to that culture, from a diaspora perspective.
In my childhood I used to play a lot of ball and ride my bike. My parents allowed me to play freely. They gave me dolls but they didn't bother me, so they bought what I wanted, like action figures. I played a lot with my back neighbor, played ball, ran, I behaved as it was expected for a cis boy.
It was a peaceful childhood, but when it came to dressing, it was always difficult. I remember that I didn't like "feminine" clothes, for girls, you know, I didn't like it, only "masculine". It doesn't mean that my parents knew 'oh Morgs is trans'. I was a kid. Like... I was me. There are many trans people who played with dolls, wore pink and are trans, you know. I'm not saying that this was a denominator, but I'm talking about my childhood. The things that were seen as for boys I used, I played, I wanted, I thought it was cooler.
In my teens, as I grew up in a religious family - my parents are Jehovah's Witnesses - I started attending religion, like, wearing a dress. I hated to wear dresses and skirts, so I only wore it because it was only on the 'day of religion' then I had to do these things, but I h-a-t-e-d it. So much so that I bought black big skirts and a long boot to make me more comfortable. I hated it because it seemed that I had to be like the women there were, you know… I thought the guys' suits were so beautiful, I wanted to wear those suits and I had to wear a dress... Like, this is not my thing. Anyway, I didn't last long there, right (laughs). I was a Jehovah's Witness until I was 16 or 17 years old.
In my adolescence my breasts started to grow and it started to bother me. Because until then, I didn't care about my body and my weight, I used to eat everything, I played sports, so I was never aware of that. Then after I stopped playing football, I went to religion, I had my first period and my body started to change, my breasts grew. There was a time when my body started changing and I didn't like any of the changes, you know. In high school I had a period of depression. Then to get rid of this depression I started exercising, walking every day, running. And after I left religion, I took the weight of the world off my shoulders.
Then I went to UFRGS (Federal University of Rio Grande do Sul). So when I went to university, left home, left my countryside bubble, it was excellent, it was everything I needed. I'm even afraid of what could have happened if I stayed in that Novo Hamburgo bubble. My life was going to be very boring, I think. I keep thinking about how much I found out, I got out of my bubble, I learned about politics, you know, how much I learned about society, about how we live and how we behave. That all was in the university. Of course, I learned things in my course, but the university opened the door to everything, to a new culture. To experience exchanges with people, with young people of my age who were also discovering things, sexuality, everything.
After I entered the university, wow. Like, I met another range of people and it was wonderful, the exchange was great, it was excellent, it was amazing. People should enter the university, because it's great (laughs).
From my adolescence, when I left religion, I started to have more autonomy, about my body, about what I wanted to do with my hair, about me, you know... After leaving religion, it was a liberation! I still believe in God, but that's it! I live my belief in God without judging the belief of others, unfortunately that is not what people do, especially with religions of African origin. And these people are usually white, cis and Christians who want to dictate and shit the rule in society. When I grew up I started to have more autonomy of my body, I started to have more autonomy of what I wanted to do, like, I was becoming happier, allowing myself more, because I was doing the things I wanted, things that felt good. So my sexuality became more fluid… Literally lol (yes, I left religion, assumed myself a dyke and started dating women, aaaahhh how wonderful lol!). Then I started allowing myself, I dated men, but I never had desire or interest to go ahead with men. Today I only date women (but I do not say that I will not drink from this water because I can drown lol, I'm Gemini, so, you know lol). I remember when I cut my hair in college and it was like… it was very very very good. It was great when I started wearing clothes that I understood as masculine, social shirts and such, but when I cut my hair, wow! A new self was born, like, it was excellent! It was wonderful!
And at university I found myself as a trans man.
Because I was always on this search like... I was always allowing myself a bit more... It is as if I had several layers of clothes and gradually I was taking off on a very hot day. Then I would take and take and take. Allowing myself, allowing myself, allowing myself... Until I allowed myself to be like what I was always repressing. And then it was about two years of treatment with a psychologist because I didn't accept being trans, I didn't accept being a trans man at all. I thought 'I'm not like those cis men', you know, I was like 'no, I'm not' and I was very angry. But while I was not allowing myself to be me, this was damaging my health. That's when I understood that I am a man. A black trans man!
Not allowing myself to be who I am was damaging my mental health. I remember that 2016 was a very harsh period. From the middle of the year to the end of 2016 I was very bad, I got into a really strong depression... So everything that was bad got worse, you know, the fact of not accepting myself. Everything that was already bad went really bad, because I was already depressed due to my non-acceptance. I thought about suicide and shit, so I had to stay at home care. Then I thought, "I think I have to start allowing myself, because otherwise I won't survive, I won't be able to live". Either I allow myself or I die. Those were the two solutions, you know.
Then I thought, before I try to kill myself I think I'm going to give myself a chance, I'm going to allow myself. So one morning, I remember I left early, I went to a clinic, the health center. I said 'excuse me, I'm going to kill myself, so I need to stay here', you know, she then welcomed me and asked what was going on with me and I explained 'look, I'm really bad, I'm very depressed and I came here to ask for help for me not to do something'. They referred me to CAPS (acronym to Psychosocial Care Center) so I left the clinic, went to CAPS and they called a close relative and my brother was working and came to pick me up. I stayed in treatment at CAPS, with a psychiatrist and psychologist. And I also stayed at home care, you know, and medicated too and it was a horrible week, I had many anxiety attacks, many panic attacks. To this day I say that I don't know how I got out of that hole, you know, I have no idea, like, things continued happening and suddenly I left that hole... Because I had no perception of dreams, I had no perception of life, I had no prospect of absolutely nothing, You know. Nothing. It was the last chance I gave to myself.. I woke up in the morning and said I'll take my last chance. I either kill myself or go to the clinic. And then it was good because I'm still here, I made a cool decision, I said 'no, I think I'm going to the clinic over there, do this little thing'... Then I did therapy, and with the help of my friends and family, but mainly with the help of my friends like... like a lot, I was always with my friends and it was very good, because those were the moments that I was happy, the moment when I was sharing you know. Because when I was with the family I kept it a secret and with my friends I could open up.
After I came out to my friends and then to my family everything was light! When I allowed myself, everything started to flow again, you know, everything got better. Then I started to live like Morgan, and I started wanting to live again. To live started to have a meaning and importance for my BEING.
It was something that was always inside me, but I didn't know what it was. I always knew there was something, then after I allowed myself, that I started dating women, that I was doing things that I didn't know that I wanted but there was something inside... In therapy I was denying that a lot, because I didn't want to be that man. Then I allowed myself and said to myself "I am not that man", you know. "I am not a cis man. I am a trans man first. I will never be a cis man because I am not a cis man. I'm going to start from a place where I will not reproduce even half of the things that they reproduce", you know. I'm talking about me, right. With the knowledge and the notion of society that I have.
But it's also difficult, accepting yourself as a trans person... The fear of being a trans person. I gradually accepted myself and it was a process that little by little I came to understand. Like, I really am a trans man, I have to be proud of that part. But it wasn't like "oh, I'm a trans man and I'm proud", super fast. It is a process. And it was a process for my family, for everyone around me. It is until today. Then I discovered that life is a process and I broadened my thinking, my understanding of what society is, what it means to be a man, what it means to be a woman, what has been built around what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman.
I started to have a deeper sense around bodies and how a system that says that you have to act that way works when I started to realize that other peoples, other places, see bodies in different ways. My African people, I don't know where I'm from, but on the African continent, they see the bodies, each tribe, each place sees the bodies in other ways. Not in that colonial way. Also because I studied radical feminism for a long time, because I said "for sure, gender is built" and such, so much so that I was dating with a radical feminist. And we discussed a lot about this. But in my head I was always "dude, but what I feel inside is beyond what you can explain. What I am feeling you cannot explain", you know. I kept thinking to myself. And that was the limit, it was the limit. Well, I have to live, because your theory does not include my body, you know. And then I was like, "bro, I'm going to live my life, you know, I'm going to do my thing".
Then I found out that society is plural and there are various types of experience, there are several ways of seeing things and various standards were put on different bodies, on everything. Then I got calmer, "I'm not that guy", you know. After you study masculinities, you realize, for example, the bodies of black men, how they are objectified.
Today we are more socially open than a few years ago, so like today one can say that they are non-binary. Back in the 80's "what is this?", you know. Even if they felt like "I think that this does not include me".
Okay, but then come the radfems saying 'but you want to leave one standard to enter another standard'. Like, I'm not creating standards. I'm just saying that these bodies are free. And you will always categorize bodies, because we live in society. Now the standard you create is another thing, so then indeed, you will determine a prejudice about that.
And so if I want to wear pink too, you know. I want to wear blue and I will continue to be Morgan you know. Using a flip flop. Only that I feel more comfortable with this body. "Oh, but you are a trans person, you want to be a man". Man, I am a trans man, I'll never be a cis man. Me, Morgan. I identify myself like that. I identify myself as a trans man. I have many questions, just as everyone has questions. Dude, we are not an atom you know. You will not deconstruct everything. You are not an atom. And, bro, then you use something that you don't even know about to justify another thing... We live in society. Just respect different bodies.
Trying to justify your beliefs using a CIStem, is already a standard, you know, and it's still more of the same. It's a cis standard. "It's because cis and trans don't exist", ok but you are using a cis argument to foment your prejudice. So you get rid of everything and go live like numbers then. (laughs)
And there is also a lot of wanting to go back to something that, man, society has already advanced. It has, let's say, evolved. You see? You have to understand what you have today. The person wants to go back to something that is there in the Big Bang explosion.
"That's the truth". And you want to use your truth because your truth is already a standard. People having no standards is already a standard of having no standards. So like, you're going to go into a giant loop and you're going to turn into a spiral. Like, it's a pattern to not have a pattern. There will be a pattern. (laughs)
When I realized it, I thought 'fuck, I'm a man', you know. I didn't differentiate "being trans" and "being cis", you know. I thought "I'm a man and now I have to shave and open the door for my girlfriend", things like that. I didn't want to reproduce that toxic behavior and I denied everything. Out of anger, a lot of anger from 'this' man. Because gender is a construction. So I had a lot of discussions about what gender was with my psychologist. She was studying trans masculinities and helped me a lot. She didn't say 'Morgan, you are that'. I kept looking for myself until I found myself in who I am today. That is the job of the psychologist, to help you find your way yourself.
And there's also the issue of the phallus, you know, of having a penis. Because having a penis or having a vagina is the main reason for prejudice, where radical feminism is built. And I was like "bro, but I don't have a dick". And then I discovered that I'm a trans man and I thought "wow, how beautiful, I'm an evolution of the species" (laughs). And I can get pregnant, I can do anything. I think that because you have a vagina you end up inferring a trans man by a cis man. Because he has a dick and you have a vagina, then he is superior to you. I am a trans man and I have a vagina. And that's it. If you want to be with me this is how it is. I will not hide to have someone's love, I will not stop being me now because someone will not want to be with me.
I closed myself off to relationships. My body was never wanted, I always had very low self-esteem and I always felt unwanted because I was a black lesbian woman at the time. And then I thought "I'm going to become a trans man and then...". So I learned to live with loneliness, you know. And I also learned to enjoy solitude. I learned to live in a way that loneliness helped me to love myself. First of all. Which is the first step for you to have self-esteem, right. To love yourself. So you can love another person. So in my case, with my own loneliness, I learned to love myself. Like, man, I want to be happy. I want my happiness first. I'm not going to do such a thing because everyone is happy and I have to also do that to make you happy. What about me?
So today I'm able to allow myself, today I can have a relationship because I can say what I want, I don't just do it by pleasing the person. Do I still have issues with masculinity? I have, of course, it's my process. And I still have a lot to discover about myself. I always joke "oh I will not say that I will not drink from this water". I always say that to me, I'm a Gemini, I can drown, you know (laughs).
Sometimes you get a little stuck and you don't know what to do. There are days when I'm sad, there are days when I'm happy. Because this is what life is all about, this oscillation. Life is made of ups and downs and you learn from it. You learn to live in society, you learn to respect others. I learned a lot of things, I also didn't know what non-binary was until I thought that "maybe this contemplates me" you know. Many trans people have realized that only being trans does not contemplate their body. Many non-binary people will find out that just being non-binary does not contemplate their bodies. So, like, it's the process, it's, like, evolution, human being, you know. That's it. There will always be someone that will justify their prejudices, who will point out what the neighbor is doing as wrong. The neighbor is not even talking to you, but "is wrong". People like some "Big Brother" (laughs).
With my family it was very easy when I came out. I came out twice, right, as a lesbian and as trans. And my brother too. It was a lot more easy, I think me coming as transgender than my brother coming as gay to my father. Because it's what I said, my brother is a black man, a guy. Dude, in Rio Grande do Sul, gay? What? No. My mother already knew about my brother, that he was gay. But my mom didn't know I was a lesbian, nor did my dad. Then when I came out as a lesbian, I came out to my mom and dad. My brother took advantage of the fact that the door was open and came out as gay. And from my perspective it was much more easy for my father to see me as lesbian. Like, "Mô was always like this", okay. It was much more difficult for him to accept my brother. I saw it. He didn't understand. But I am not crucifying my parents. It is a matter of their culture, just as we have our cultures and our questions right. Obviously, for him to have this prejudice, it was because something was not in accordance with his beliefs. And my father was very religious, so he was able to find his answers. My parents are Jehovah's Witnesses. My brother and I are no longer. But they go to the Kingdom Hall to this day and my dad can kind of show you in the bible that trans bodies are accepted, you know. He takes a bible and will show you. He will say that "God loves us all", you know. My mom will say that too. My father reads the Bible daily. My parents are very wise.
It's that thing about different knowledge, right. My parents only have completed elementary school, but they have their knowledge, you know. Which is how they learned and it's their intelligence. They may not have completed high school, but they are very smart. My father may know how to assemble a machine, while an engineering student will not. This is what I mean about knowledge. If the person does not have a formal schooling, it doesn't means they are stupid. No. We need to value knowledge.
So my parents are very intelligent and very loving too. It was a difficult process for them, the acceptance of my brother and me. It is still a process. Even today my mother calls me in the feminine pronoun. Sometimes my father misses and calls me in my old name and female pronoun. And now they keep calling me "Mô" and I tell them "ok, now it's already reaching a limit that you have to start to try harder", you know. "Because if I keep allowing you to keep calling me Mô and keep allowing you to miss my pronouns and I don't get your attention, you will keep calling me wrong". Because if I don't point out that it's wrong, they will continue to make the mistake 'cause it is comfortable that way. I'm always correcting them, now they are much better at it. It is a process for them too, because they created their little girl too and suddenly this little girl is no longer the little girl. But I was always the human being they created and that love that they gave... I was always there, I never died. I have always been the same person, only with a different life experience, a trans experience.
They are very chill. They always say: Dad loves you and your brother and will continue to love. And they do not understand those parents who expel their children from home. It is really incomprehensible.
I hardly spend time here in Novo Hamburgo, I'm always in Porto Alegre. But at the beginning of the transition it was pretty crap because like... My city is German, you know, there are many German descendants. So, like, there is little... In some neighborhoods there are a lot more black people, but they are the most remote neighborhoods. 'Cause they throw poor people more into suburbs, where they can't see, you know. So we’re here in a more central region and I think I’m the only black person in the neighborhood, me and my family. It's kind of like fuck, everyone looks at you, you know. When I had afro hair, wow, it was the first thing... When I started to grow my hair the whole city looked at me. So much so that the uber driver knows who I am until today (laughs). Like, I didn't even know who he was at the time I took a ride with him. And he said "I already saw you walking down the street with a big afro, I thought it was very cool and such". Like, I was known on the streets, you know, and I had no idea who those people were. And it sucks. Sometimes you just want to buy bread without being noticed, but you will not be missed, because for them you are different. So sometimes it sucked and sometimes I didn't even care. Sometimes I really liked it, I was like "yeah, you can look at me, I'm fucking awesome!" (laughs). So there were stages. But I didn't spend much of my transition here because I hardly spent any time here, since I studied and worked in Porto Alegre, I just came to sleep. And at the weekend I used to go out in Porto Alegre.
But being trans in Novo Hamburgo… Especially when people saw me as a masculine dyke, they were looking at me differently "is it a man or a woman? What is happening? My God". I also had straight hair, so it drew a lot of attention. And that's what I said, sometimes I was comfortable and sometimes I was totally "fuck, just stop looking at me". And like I think it also helped to make my panic worse, because I felt people always looking at me. And to this day, I don't like crowds, I like to go quietly, you know. I was panicked by people at the time, it seemed like everyone was looking at me, because I felt that I was different, you know. And sometimes the person didn't even care about me.
I think that now I have more passability so I'm not so uncomfortable, because people don't miss my pronoun so much. I still feel insecure, obviously, because I am a trans body, but as people see me more as a cis guy, sometimes... As a black person, I became a threat. Because I have a black body, people think I'm going to assault them while I'm the one who is afraid of them. And it became that, I became a threat. Being that I am the one threatened. But with guys they now treat me like a bro. And sometimes I don't know how to act, I feel kind of pressured because like "can I say excuse me?", "If I say excuse me will he find out that I’m trans and then will punch me?" you know, something like that. I’m afraid of the reaction of violence and prejudice, be it physical or verbal. Because even if the verbal is not physical, I am a sensitive person, you know, if I'm sad at that moment, it will suck. Not just because I'm sensitive, it's because it's violence.
At the beginning of the transition, when I had a long hair, people saw me more as a lesbian using men's clothes. I loved my hair, like a lot, but it started to bother me because people kept identifying me as a cis lesbian woman. I think it bothered me so much that it made me sick of my hair so I cut it. Then I felt better, I felt more seen as a guy. Today I believe that I am seen as a guy, a 19 year old guy. I'm treated like "what's up boy", "yo, lad", you know, it's so simple, the guy said "good-bye boy". But a few months ago it would be a storm, I could suffer violence. So I'm afraid of people's reaction, you know.
And Porto Alegre is very oppressive. If you are a black woman so you can be... A woman's body, that can be raped at any time by a guy if you are in a dark street you know. Several moments I prefer to pay for an uber than go on foot, and suffer some consequences. I will walk faster, I will change my schedule, I will wear specific clothes. I always walk with a lot of tension in Porto Alegre because any violence can happen. Besides assaulting me the guy can “discover that I am a girl” at the moment because he saw me from a distance and thought I was a guy and then he may think I’m a dyke when approaching me... You have to always be alert.
In Porto Alegre you have to be in alert mode all the time, because you are afraid of suffering violence. And when cisgender people started seeing me as a black guy, the shitty side was also that I became a threat. So now I have to watch for the police cars because they can stop me at any time. What if they stop me, what then can happen to me? Because when I was seen as a black lesbian I had the possibility of "ok the cops are not going to beat me, 'cause I am a woman" you know. And now I'm totally - I'm a man, you know, I can walk safer on the street alone and maybe not fear an assault by a guy because he sees me as another guy but I'm totally seen as a threat... If I run... I always go out with my documents if I go for a run. If I'm going out for any reason I always have to have my documents, whatever place I go. I can't go to the street corner without my documents.
Depending on the time, the police car will slow down looking at you. Then you see your friends reporting. I always watch out, I try to watch out for where I am, where I go, the clothes I’m going to wear. And Novo Hamburgo always demanded that, because you are a black person you have to watch out the clothes you are wearing. Because you are a black man, you already have many things that you have to do. If you are going to buy water, you will not enter the supermarket without a shopping cart, you are not crazy, you will get a cart. If you ask another black man he will say "it is obvious that I will get a cart. Because if not, the security guard will follow me", you know. Always. So there are many prejudices that are due to racism. You need to constantly watch out, you know. And then there's the racial plus gender issues. Depending on if you're seen as a woman or a man, people will act differently.
And being a trans man, yes, I'm still afraid of being raped. And one of the reasons why I want to fight again is because of that, to feel more secure in society. To feel safe about any kind of violence that can happen to me, to my body. Because I’m small, I'm a small black guy, so like, if two guys come to rob me and then touch me and... I can be wearing a sports bra, so they may think that, anyway… And the more I get passing, I get sort of a "security", you know. But from the moment I don't know if a person is seeing me as a trans person or not, I don't know how they see my body.
I think the future of gender is going to be multi plural. Gender before was just the female gender. "Gender studies" was to study about women. So that's it, multi plural. It will be much more expanded. It will be like a programming language, we will have several types of programming language. Like many programming languages. And you use what you feel best (laughs).
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Love. Mostly, love more. Listen. Listen to people. Respect. And love. The world needs... It sounds like a "hippie" phrase like "the world needs love", but it is exactly this. The world needs love. The world needs love and respect. To reach that love and respect, people have to leave their privileges and use their privileges. Use your privileges for the construction of a better society, for it to be improved, you know? That's it. Dude, if you're white you will not suffer from racism, but your friend and other people suffer. Use your privilege to fight racism. It's not because you’re white, because you're not black, that you shouldn't get involved. You have to get involved. You must get involved with it. You must use your privileges so that things are deconstructed, you know? That's it. Use your privileges to improve society.
Allow yourself. You really have to allow yourself. To know another culture, without prejudice. To understand the other. At that moment you will understand what a trans body looks like, that people exist and they just want to have their names respected. Are you curious? Click it, do it. Click it, see it, come look. Come and see. Come on, ask. Because people deduce things in their own way. They are curious. Then ask. No violence. Have an emotional responsibility about the other, you know. It is not only in love relationships that we have to have emotional responsibility, but in everything. With society itself, right. Have that emotional responsibility. And allow yourself to learn about others. Don't deduce things.
Morgan Lemes
1993
Graduating in History at the Federal University of Rio Grande do Sul. Professor of History in the collective TransENEM. Student in Computer Networks at the Federal Institute of Rio Grande do Sul. Screenwriter (beginner) and digital communicator.
1993
Graduating in History at the Federal University of Rio Grande do Sul. Professor of History in the collective TransENEM. Student in Computer Networks at the Federal Institute of Rio Grande do Sul. Screenwriter (beginner) and digital communicator.
Trans man.
He/him pronouns.
7 months on HRT.
@morganlemes
*essay from February 2020, Novo Hamburgo (RS), Brazil.
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This project is made by me, Gabz. I am a non-binary trans person and I seek not only to portray but also to open a space where other trans people can tell their stories, so to support our own community. After suffering a lot from the lack of trans narrative references that contemplated me, I realized that these people exist and have always existed, but for CISthemic reasons the few times we have the opportunity to tell who we are ends up being through the lens of people who do not know how it is to be us. I started this project with urgency.
I offer all this content for free, as I do not want to privilege access only for those who can pay. However, for this project to continue, I need your help. Share on your social networks! If you have financial means, you can also make a single or recurring donation. Even $1 already helps make this project possible. Help me help us!
