Esteve Maris

In the first month I met a girl named Violet Anzine Baudelaire, from room 101 of my student residence, and she was looking for a roommate because her roommate was going to live at Casino with Raiane. We liked each other, had great conversations, and she said "if you want to come live with me, I'll be very happy." I went to live with her and met Jamile - she is from Literature and Violet is from Archeology. Jamile talked about some undergraduate research vacancies at DAC [Art and Culture Directory] and that she thought that I... Before leaving Sorocaba, I had participated in a theater play, I had performed with a group... Then she said that maybe I would be interested because I was from Theater. I did the interview and it was super cool. On the same day - I was here for a month with only 200 reais - Débora, who is the Director of DAC, loved me, liked my story a lot and I entered the undergraduate research. I got it in the first month, I was very happy. I've participated in different undergraduate research within DAC; until today DAC welcomes me a lot. I'm talking about this because it was a way for me to stay here, because my mother was only receiving 400 reais because of the loan. My mom helped me not need anyone from my family to stay here, because I could afford at least the basics. The basics which are washing powder, toilet paper, toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, cleaning products, and underwear that from time to time need to be changed (laughs). Right? They don't last forever! (laughs) So the research was a way for me to stay and I'm very grateful to Débora, Jamile, Violet - they were key people for me to stay here at FURG. That was my beginning here. After, I had other research scholarships: culture promoter, I've already organized a book, I've promoted soirees... We also produced institutional fanzines. Anyway, many things. I've already exhibited, I've participated in two exhibitions: one with video at Fresta and one with photographs at Foto Fluxo; which is something I'm also participating in this year with "Corpas Invisíveis", a photography project.

Before 2016, I had some crises. I had acute psychological conditions, I had very fragile moments of my mental health, I was hospitalized. Deep down... I was still confused, but there were some things that were very right for me. I no longer wanted to sustain a female identity, I knew I didn't want to assert myself as a woman. I didn't see myself as a woman. I wanted other markers on my body, I wanted to try other things with my body. Of course I wasn't aware that my body would be seen in a different way and that my identity would change with the way people would recognize me, but, at that time, I was like, "Man, I'm not a woman. I'm not a woman." Then I told my mother, who is the person I trust the most, she always knows everything. I started to question my identity and I told my mother, she was a little transphobic, she said "look, you're my little girl, you're my baby, you're my little princess, my little chocolate", she said these words , I'm repeating ipsis literi, exactly as she said. Like "you're my candy, my little princess, my girl. You're not a man, forget this! Take this time to take care of yourself, don't think about this now", and I trust my mother a lot, I have a crazy relationship with her, I said "oh man... Damn, my mother doesn't accept me". I took on that, but already feeling that everything regarding my identity was going to change.

After that, I started dating Andressa, asserting myself as a cis woman. But then her ex-boyfriend started to assert himself as a trans man, I was like "whooh, uhh! This life is crazy", but ok, I came to university, had several experiences... In the first semester I still didn't assert myself as a trans man, but in the second it started to take shape. I started to ask other questions, to look at myself and my identity differently. Among my friends, I first asserted myself as non-binary, I said I wanted them to use neutral pronouns. I used the name Estrela [Star], and it went on. Then I ended my relationship at the end of 2018. I came to FURG and she went to UFMG, we were very far away and I was already asserting myself as a trans man. She identified as a lesbian so maybe she didn't want to date a guy, because anyway... She's also a feminist. And anyway, she has that thing of "death to the phallus", "not man", and all that. It was one of the things I had to think about a lot. It was at the end of 2018 that I started to assert myself as a trans man and began the transition process; that had already started inside the clinic, when my mother didn't accept. So I don't enter university claiming to be a trans man; within the university, from dialogues with trans people - I met Lu, Gabi, Violet, Shay, I met several other trans people - in these dialogues I came to understand that it was possible for me to assert another identity, other than the feminine.

I always hated myself. Always. There wasn't a moment in my adolescence when I loved myself, there wasn't. Mainly because everything I used to compose this body was not for me. I didn't choose bell bottom pants because I liked it, I chose bell bottom pants because it was fashionable and because my friends thought it was beautiful. I wore my hair straightened because my mom said it would look better that way. I shaved my hair not because I thought that without hair I was more beautiful, it was because in advertising, in movies, in the media - even nowadays it's something that cis men are doing a lot, this shaved body - it showed that the beautiful body is the smooth one, right? I put on makeup - blush, powder, foundation - not because I thought I looked good with it, but because society said that women who put on makeup are apparently more presentable and prettier. So, it was never me choosing what I wanted for my body. In the process of going to the clinic, I started to... Ah, there's also that, the people I was hanging out with, I started to hang out with many more artists, after 2014, and then I was rethinking things about my body, I started to let my hair grow... Oh, I zoned out a lot already: there was a moment when I didn't want to use soap when having shower, I didn't want to use shampoo (laughs). It was all a process for me to understand, I wanted to know what I wanted for my body, what I liked, what I wanted for my life.

Since 2014 I have been involved in this process of self-knowledge, seeking to know myself better, to know what I like, what I don't like. Nowadays, if I've never eaten any food and someone says it's not good, now I try it. In respect to my body, like, I didn't like wearing skirts, but because skirts were said to be feminine, but after my transition, the way I feel about wearing skirts became nicer, you know? There was no longer that imposing thing that I had to wear a skirt, no! It's because I want to wear skirts now. Like the mastectomy... I don't feel like having a mastectomy because I like my breasts, I think it's so… man, it's my breasts, you know? They make me feel pleasure, they are mine! I do not pretend. Could it be for aesthetic reasons, maybe, who knows? There are people who like the aesthetics of the surgery, the scar. I had problems with my genitalia because it was big - as if it wasn't now, right? (laughs) - and I avoided having sex with people because I was afraid of them looking at my genitals and that made my relationships very difficult because I was an insecure, scared person, a person who was literally afraid to open up (laughs). Today this relationship with my body has been changing, I'm accepting my body, I'm accepting that I was born that way; I was born with breasts. My breasts aren't big, but I wore bra paddings because I wanted men and women to want my breasts, because that way they would be interested in me, you know? That was one way they got interested in me. Bro! Horrible, I felt really bad wearing bra padding. I even used padding to make my ass look bigger - you can laugh! (laughs). It was horrible, man, really bad. I didn't love myself. Nowadays I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I look at my genitalia and wow, I laugh with it, like "cute, wonderful, you're amazing! Wonderful, you're everything in my life, you give me a lot of pleasure". I don't know, I have been trying to really accept my body and also have this quest to experiment with my body. For example: Testosterone was an experiment, I said "Will it work? Let's see if it works." I didn't know, there wasn't anything that could tell me if I was going to like the results or not. I had a craving for having a beard. I date women, men, non binary people.. people, right? And I didn't like kissing people with a beard, but I liked the beard. I wanted to know how it looked on me and I think it's getting pretty good. I think that this whole issue of the relationship with the body is related to being able to see myself - we can't see ourselves, because we look and see our truth and, often, we're not prepared to face our truth because the world tells us that there are standards to be followed: the beautiful has a thin waist, a wide back, a big ass, a big dick, a square jaw; the standard says it has to be thin. So I think the quest for self-love has been very satisfying for me because I've been able to find myself regarding my body - that's been wonderful for me.